I've loved to write for some time. I think it was a hidden gift of sorts that surprised me one day. I started http://tracistruth.blogspot.com in 2005. Nearly 7 years later I have decided to blow of the dust of this somewhat-hidden gift and begin anew.
On this Christmas day, I am by myself for the moment, but I am far from alone. I'm in somewhat of a foreign place. I have had so many new beginnings and changes in the past nearly-3 years that my brain, my body, my heart, my spirit has not been able to keep up with it all.
This afternoon (I was going to say this morning, although it's nearly 4 PM) :) I was lying in bed with my precious cats, my fiance getting much-needed rest, and watching the movie Valentine's day.. That seems kind of funny to me. Shouldn't I be watching Christmas movies? Shouldn't I be despondent that it's Christmas day and I'm watching a movie alone with my cats?
But I realized my truth was so far from this. I realized how far I've grown. I wept at a line in the movie, embraced my cats, woke up my sleeping soon-to-be husband with tears streaming down my face and told him Merry Christmas, how much I love him, how grateful I am that I am going to be his wife.
How my perspective has changed. I used to look at each day as one piece of the puzzle, rather than the masterpiece the entire pieces would eventually become. Although I am by myself right at this moment, I remember the past few weeks. They have been a manic whirlwind of family and presents and traveling and teachable family moments and tears (both of frustration and of utter joy). Our Christmas began what seems like weeks and weeks ago and we have rarely had a moment of quiet. We have not unpacked from our trip, there are unwashed clothes everywhere, there is wrapping paper all over the place and trash that has to be taken out, a litter box that needs to be changed, bills that need to be paid (and very unsure how they will or can be), weight gained that needs to be lost, a future of being a 3rd wife and hoping and praying I can do it right this time, a precious future step-son that I want to be perfect for....Must I go on?
But this Christmas day, in the silence, looking around at this mess that is my house right now, I remembered something someone told me once... Every piece of wrapping paper, all the vacation clothes unwashed, all the dirty dishes, all the beds unmade, are representative of the fact that I have loved ones to give gifts to and loved ones that have given me gifts; a reminder that I have precious family in MS and my future husband and step-son and I had the privilege of making a whirlwind trip there to spread the love around and for everyone to embrace their future family members. The dirty dishes remind me that I have boys that cook for and boys that cook for me, and that we are able to sit together and have food that has been provided to us and bow our heads and thank God for his blessings and partake of meals together. The unmade beds remind me that there are warm bodies that sleep in them... and those warm bodies embrace me every day and tell me how much they love me; what a princess I am, and how grateful they are to have me in their lives.
This may not be the Christmas day I had planned in my mind. But I've realized at 41 years old that that has been my problem. I've been planning and hoping for tomorrow and have been missing today.
This Christmas, the best Christmas I have ever had, I rejoice. For God has brought me far. And it is no where near what I intended it to be; but it is where I am. And I will do my very best to rejoice and be glad in it.
I thank God for my precious love and his precious son and how these nearly-3 years have changed my life. I'm so grateful that I now know what love is. I know better how to resolve conflict and how to have grace and forgiveness, how to teach and be taught.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt this is the best Christmas ever and next year will be the best year of my life. No matter what trials will befall me, I have the strongest, most resilient love I have ever had. It gives me strength, it gives me courage, it gives me family.
Rejoice my friends. Merry Christmas.
